Wednesday, May 28, 2008

feeling a little wasted

i am getting these frequent pangs of paranoia these days that just hit me out of nowhere. like someone or something is going to take me away.

not to mention i am not getting the quality of sleep at the right times at all. i twist and turn, even if i'm not alone, and my brain cannot stop thinking.

it's not like i'm thinking about anything worldly or intelligent, like modern philosophy or social issues. most of the times i'm recalling memories (oh how i hate the word) and people i know, or used to know. people who used to be there and not anymore, and people who never used to be there but seemed to have been around me forever. how things turned out, how things never turned out. how people change, and stay the same, in an incredible amount of ways.

i do not discover new wisdom from all this, but i do get enlightened on things about myself.
i discovered that i am a lot more emotional a creature than the impression i seem to project to people. now. and this is driving me a little bit insane, there is no outlet where i can feel comfortable safe to talk about some useless things that bring no conclusion. i used to have prav, but. gazillions of miles away, no matter how you look at it it's hard to keep up.

maybe i'm being a narcissist or an elitist with my thoughts. or just acutely embarassed.

time is an annoying thing. it would be nice if i had a little remote control of my own.
there are things you know you're going to go through. and you know it well. shouldn't you get a forward button to skip the achingly slow storyline that you already know? like how watching a movie trailer, you'd know the beginning, the middle, the plot twist, and the ending of the story.

there are things you don't want to experience but you know you will. and just thinking about it already gives you that experience even if the time hasn't come yet. shouldn't that be considered as something that's past?

could time be a little bit kinder and give some leeway?


yap ah loi said...

ni yap from mmu cyber
we used to be in the same batch
and we used to chat i think
tapi dah lama tak contact
so maybe a little lost
tapi artwork awak maseh macam dulu
dan semakin lawa

kiyaa said...

sorry yer, paranoid sikit, sbb u tak letak link/contact... ehhe. sbb dulu i ade internet stalker seekor. @_@

ape kabar?! lama tak borak dgn geng geng mmu.. rindu gak sebenarnye. =)

and thanks for dropping by often. ^_^

yap ah loi said...

sehat sehat
sekarang mmu cuti
lagi dua minggu baru start
i love ur writing at sourchillies.blogspot
sounds so depressing and paranoid

kiyaa said...

sourchillies?? man i've totally abandoned that blog such a long time ago. i tend to write on paper now, i like that feeling of ink on paper, it's comforting. =)

and no i'm not a depressed nor paranoid person, it;s just that i just write when i am depressed and paranoid. =P